you wanna settle-up? fine…

$20 I lent you during the Trans conference.

$10 I lent you at the Townhouse.

$15 you said you’d reimburse me for gas.

$45 dollars total you owe me

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

$40 I originally borrowed from you, and you told me to “just keep it because you never wanted to see me again (our very last conversation).”

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

Depending on how I look at it, you can owe me $5 or $45…

Which shall it be?

(This doesn’t include the numerous times I lent you money for smokes or whatnot that I knew at the time I would never see.)

I last night, meaning about 21 hours ago, I had a weird dream about a woman who kept harassing me and trying to grab / pinch my boobs.  I had only been asleep for 4 hours and up for 31 hour previous to that.

(Except for the two years that I was extremely depressed, I’ve never needed as much sleep as the average person.)  Usually when I’m up for more than 24 hours straight, I’ll sleep for about 8 hours.  But for some reason I woke after only four hours and my mind wouldn’t allow myself to go back to sleep.  I didn’t attribute anything to any dreams since I figured she’d be out of my head very soon after getting out of bed.

So I took a nap in the early evening.  My intent was to sleep, not just nap.  But after an hour and a half, I woke. 

A few hours ago, I decided it was time to get my full-night-of-sleep, meaning I would sleep for 5 to 6 hour. 

I don’t usually remember my dreams.  I used to.  In fact it’s been 20 years since I’ve been able to remember significant details from a dream.  Since that point, all details that are remembered are only fuzzy.  Once in a while, I might have the dream in my head for about 5 minutes after I wake.

After less than 2 hours of sleep, I woke.  The dream was crystal clear in my head. 

…  I was riding a BMX style bike to get home.  I was going the wrong way down Nicollet Ave. so to change direction I decided to go around the block so I wouldn’t have to slow down.  While turning at a high rate of speed, I tossed my “trapper keeper” on a pile of trash bags.  Then, my bike had no front wheel nor handle bars so I jumped off and let it coast into the wood.  When I walked back to the pile of trash, I grabbed my glasses off the heap, and started walking home.  As I was calculating how far I had to hitch hike to get home, I realized that the glasses I grabbed didn’t fit on my face and were probably not mine.  So I had to walk back to the pile of trash to retrieve mine.  When I turned around, she was there.  She hadn’t been in any part of the dream thus far, but I said “you again?” 

“You can’t get away from me” she said as she started trying to pinch my boob.

“Please don’t.  My boobs really hurt.”

She continued. 

“I’ll fucking kick you in the cunt”

She pointed out that she wouldn’t feel it because she was wearing a lot of layers of clothes.  She kept poking at my boob and it was really hurting.

The only way to escape her was to wake up, so I did.  My heart was racing and I was on the verge of tears and my boobs hurt.  (My boobs are hurting this week.  I think they are in a growth spurt.)  The clock said I had slept for less than two hours.  But I was too scared to go back to sleep.  It was the same woman who had been in my dream the night before.

Twenty minute of being awake and I could still remember her so vividly.  So I decided I should write about it.  Her face has some familiarity.  While writing about her, I have come to realize whom she represents (I think).

I am very open about my trans-liness.  In fact, I really like talking about myself and educating others.  As long as someone is respectful, I will answer any question, including questions about my genitals.  (Opening a conversation with a question about my genitals is NOT respectful.) 

One guy who I have known since before my transition, and who I still have regular contact with, asked me about my transition.  The questions started with “how did I know I am female” and led to effect of HRT.  Fifteen minutes of questions and they never went to my panties!  I could tell that he still had questions so I assured him that I was still comfortable answering questions. 

…“the rest of questions are more visual the verbal”  (Wow, what a nice way to ask if he could see my tits!)  so I pulled off my shirt, then my bra.  I was then continuing the conversation topless. 

I continued to talk about the effect of HRT.  My skin is so soft now; “feel my face.”  He did.  His hand started on my check, ran down my neck and stopped at my collarbone.

“May I?”  He asked to feel my breasts.  I made a split second decision: in the name of knowledge and education, I let him touch my breasts.

He caressed, squeezed and poked for about fifteen seconds.  It hurt and I was squeezing my eyes closed because of the pain.  He stopped feeling me up and I opened my eyes.  He had a huge grim, so I figured his curiosity had been satisfied and I put my shirt back on.  A few more questions about hair growth then all his questions were answered.  But he said he wouldn’t hesitate to ask if he had more, then we parted ways.

At no point was any of this a sexual thing.  (I hope!)

I logged into tumblr for the first time on the new laptop.  (Note: I haven’t installed Missing E yet.) 

Tumblr opened with the “You are using Missing E” screen.

Now that I am sure that I can access my blog, I think I’ll install Missing E (since I’m being accused of it, I should do it).

My Breakfast.  I’m hooked on smoothies… (thanks Danny)

The first windows update was done in Feb of 2010.  That makes my computer over two years old.

No updates were done between 4.15.2011 and 5.15.2012 meaning it sat idle for 13 months.

None of this negates the fact that I got on hell of a great computer at a dirt cheap price!

 I bought a laptop the other day…  maybe 6 months ago or so.

Original owner sold it to person #2 at a substantially lowed price because he was liquidating assets (he needed the money).

Owner #2 lost the password, which rendered the laptop unusable.

Owner #2 took a loss and sold it to someone who thought she could make a profit.  After realizing that no one wants a laptop that isn’t usable, she also took a loss and sold it to me for 35 dollars.

My intention was to format the hard drive and install XP.  I would then have to hunt for all the right drivers and stuff to make it more usable.

It sat in my closet until last week.

I spent a few days attempting to hack the password.  The forth program I tried was a Windows registry editor on a Linux platform run completely from a flash drive. IT WORKED! I could now login without a password.

Yesterday, I spent 4 hours uninstalling (almost all) the crap.  I brought the software back to brand new condition (without the any trail versions).  The outside of it is in pristine condition.  And I’m currently running diagnostics on it to verify that all the hardware is functioning properly.

For all intents and purposes, I have a brand new Dell Inspiron (without a warrantee). 

One might say that it is similar to getting a refurbished laptop.  I would argue!  I looked at the oldest file, which was created Aug 26^th of 2011.  This thing is less than a year old, and more than half of that, it was sitting in my closet.

I just checked out what I would have to pay for this model retail.  The lowest price I could find was $900.  The used prices were all around $500.  (and I bought mine for thirty-five buck!)

I am happy.  I cry almost everyday.  It doesn’t have anything to do with my level of happiness nor my level of sadness.  I just cry, and it feels GOOD!

Me: (spinning a bottle of vodka in the palm of my hand) Who am I now?

Her: I don’t know,

Me: I’m Tom Cruise in Cocktail

Her: Tom Cruise isn’t a woman!

still missing the time needed to catch up on my Diary (and your questions - keep ‘em coming ‘cause I will get to them).